


decks dark

by radiobrain



Series: virgil honey [2]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Needs a Hug, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders-centric, Depression, Heavy Angst, Homophobic Language, Hurt Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Swearing, THEY TALK ABOUT SUICIDE ATTEMPT, Unsympathetic Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Unsympathetic Deceit | Janus Sanders
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-14
Updated: 2020-11-17
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:27:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27005044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/radiobrain/pseuds/radiobrain
Summary: there's nowhere to hideyou run to the backand you cover your ears,but it's the loudest soundyou've ever heard.are we trapped?or; virgil's darkest hour
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil & Creativity | Roman & Logic | Logan & Morality | Patton, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Deceit | Janus Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Logic | Logan Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Morality | Patton Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Original Character(s), Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Thomas Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders
Series: virgil honey [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1970950
Comments: 33
Kudos: 75





	1. monster, monster, monster

**Author's Note:**

> hiya
> 
> so this is the sequel to how to disappear completely, if you've not read it, go do that because this will make 0 sense. 
> 
> just as a warning, this is even angstier. 
> 
> also, i know nothing about thomas' actual life everything is obviously made up. ye, that's all. enjoy!

Thomas couldn’t feel his legs. Couldn’t feel anything at all.

The whole world, including his body, had become background noise, and he could only hear one thing.

_Run._

He was losing his breath, he felt like he might collapse from the effort, but he knew he couldn’t stop. He just _couldn’t._

He started to feel calmer as his house came into sight, but his speed increased. His trembling hands fought with his key as he approached the front door, and he almost forgot to close it behind him as he trespassed the threshold and rushed up the stairs.

His room was dark, so he rolled up the curtains so the daylight would make it easier for him to find them. Because he had to find them, and he had to find them quick.

He looked on and under his bed, inside his drawers and wardrobe, on top of his shelves, on his nightstand.

They weren’t there. Oh, God, where had he put them?

He tried to calm his breathing as he forced himself to remember. He had to remember, had to find them before it was too late. He had to find them before…

„ **Well, well, well… Look who we have here.** “

Thomas unconsciously whimpered, but didn’t turn around or stop looking, trying his best to ignore the figure he saw out of the corner of his eye, that stood threateningly close to him.

„ **Won’t even look at me? I’m hurt. I feel like you’ve been avoiding me, Tommy.** “

Thomas shivered, the tone in the other’s voice bringing him memories, too many bad, awful memories. He shook his head, covered his ears and without meaning to, mumbled.

„Stop, stop, stop.“

„ **Make me** “, came the harsh response, and Thomas flinched. „ **Go on, keep looking. Find your little happy pill.** “

Thomas, though feeling stupid for listening to him, obeyed, and forced his shaky hands to start removing things from his desk. The sound of items falling down loudly to the floor joined the dreadful voice that followed him around.

„ **Jesus, you’re such a fucking loser. You need medicine to fix your fucked up brain because you can’t deal with it yourself and you can’t even do that right! One pill, Tommy, you had to take one pill. It can’t be that hard, can it?** “

Thomas let out a desperate sigh when there was nothing left on the desk, and there was no sight of what he was looking for. He finally built up the courage to turn around, pressing himself against the chair to avoid falling down. From pure fear, and anxiety, he felt like he might pass out.

In front of him, way too close for his liking, he saw a paler version of himself, who wore all black to match his eyes. Still, after so many years, it terrified him. The figure looked sick, and scrawny, but it somehow made him even scarier.

„Why…“ he cried out. „Why do you do this to me?“

„ **Why?** “, the figure smirked, like he loved the question, and then replied. „ **Well, I don’t know. Let’s see… Why doesn’t anyone like you? Why do people laugh at you when you walk by? Why don’t _boys_ like you? Why do they bully you at school, huh?**“

Thomas’ chest stung, and he hated it. Hated how much power _he_ had over him.

„ **The answer might be simpler than you think; it’s because you deserve it.** “

Thomas shook his head.

„No, that’s not true“, he said, firmly. He sounded almost convinced. „I-I deserve to be happy, I deserve to be loved, I-“

„ **Did your therapist tell you that?** “ the figure laughed. „ **You don’t deserve anything good. Take it from someone who _doesn’t_ get payed to stand the sight of you. You’re completely fucking useless, a waste of air and space. Daddy agreed, didn’t he?**“

Thomas gasped, with teary eyes.

„Don’t-„

„ **He thought you were a disappointment, and I agree“** , the pale character looked thoughtful, but Thomas knew he was just pretending. „ **And I’m you, so that means… You agree. Why do you keep lying to yourself?** “

Thomas, who had tried to stay strong, cried freely then, and left aside his pride as he begged.

„Please, please, just stop. Stop talking!“

„ **Fucking stop me, you asshole!** “, the figure stopped all his theatrics, and shook with anger. „ **Pills, really? You’re trying to end me with pills?! Well, I’m sorry to break it to you, dear Thomas, but that’s not how it works. I _am_ you. And I’m here to stay. The sooner you accept that, the easier this will be for the both of us.**“

„No, no, no…“, Thomas struggled to find more complex words. „I-You’re not me, I don’t want you! Why can’t you just leave me alone?“

„ **Because I can’t. You think I don’t want to? You think I chose to be trapped inside a worthless piece of shit like you, seeing how he fucks everything up all the time? How he can’t even speak to people without making a fool of himself? How he can’t even be happy?** “

Thomas’ insides swarmed with rage.

„That’s your fucking fault! Leave me alone! Just-just disappear!“

The side looked suddenly calm, bored almost.

„ **Have you not been listening to anything I said?** “

„No! No, I refuse to believe that! You’re not a part of me, you’re a disease. And diseases get cured. You will go away, and I’ll live my life like a normal person“

The figure cackled.

„ **A normal person? You will never be a normal person. You can do normal people things, sure; get married, get a job. You could even have children, I hear they let _faggots_ do that now**“

Thomas curled up his fists. Then, as something in his head clicked, he started moving. He ran to the bathroom, opening the cabinet behind the mirror, but still the voice was there, as loud as ever.

„ **But even when you look at them in the eyes and feel joy like you’ve never felt before, I will be there. I will be there reminding you, that your marriage is gonna crumble and you’re gonna get fired and your children are gonna die. And I will never, ever stop. Because when those things happen -and they will- I need you to be ready, Tommy. I do what I do, for you** “

Thomas let out a breath of relieve, as he held the pill bottle he had been looking for so desperately in his hands.

„ **You know I’m right** “

Thomas turned, to look at the other, firmly. The other’s face twisted in a frown, as he suddenly saw determination and confidence in the trembling boy’s eyes.

When Thomas spoke, he felt almost invincible.

„I know“, he confirmed. Then, looked at the pill bottle.

The side’s eyes opened wide.

„ **Thomas, wait!** “

He moved forward, but Thomas was quick, and before the other was at his side, the whole bottle had been emptied. He swallowed.

„ **What the fuck…?** “

Thomas smirked, as he, for once, saw the other shaking.

„Guess you won’t stick around after all“

„ **Puke“,** the side quickly demanded, following Thomas as he made his way back to his room. **„Stick your fingers in your mouth and puke, right now!“**

„Now who’s anxious?“, Thomas giggled, feeling the effects of the first pills.

Almost immediately, the figure’s nose started bleeding, but he didn’t seem to care. However, his voice was rough when he opened his mouth, like it hurt to speak.

„ **Thomas, please. This doesn’t do any good. You’re being childish** “

Thomas laid down on his bed, grunting.

„Keep ‚em coming, asshole. I’m immune now“

„ **Thomas“** , he sat on the side of the bed, looking terrified. Thomas stared at him; his eyes were normal now, no sight of the unnatural black that usually covered them. „ **I’m sorry, okay? I-I’ll stop, I’ll be better.** “

Thomas frowned. He looked almost human now, and it was so strange to see him like this. Still, he didn’t let himself be fooled.

„But you’ll still be in my head.“

„ **There’s nothing I can do about that!** “

No response.

„ **Seriously, are you thinking this through? What if it works? What if you die?** “

His voice, somehow sounded heavier and darker than it did before.

„I don’t care“, Thomas found himself saying. Surprisingly, even for himself, he wasn’t lying.

Thomas was blinking slower and slower by the second, and every time he opened his eyes the sight in front of him was scarier. Blood oozed out of the side’s mouth at first. Then, out of his eyes, though Thomas wasn’t sure if he was imagining it.

„ **Don’t close your eyes, don’t you fucking dare! What about your mom? Are you seriously doing this to her?** “

„She’ll be better off without me“, he mumbled, tiredly.

„ **She’ll be devastated! What about Joan? You’re gonna break their heart, Thomas. Stop this right now- stop being so selfish!"**

For a moment, Thomas saw nothing. Heard nothing. Then, there was crying.

„ **Thomas! Thomas, wake up!** “

„Thomas!“

Virgil woke up, gasping for air, in a sea of sweat and tears. He looked around, and found himself in his room. _Of course, where else would he be._ He moved both hands to his face, as if testing if the wetness he felt was blood. It wasn’t, and he felt like he could breathe again.

But there was only silence and darkness in his room, nothing near comfort, so the images and sounds -voices- of his dream haunted him, as he curled up under his covers, sobbing and shaking violently. He wasn’t even aware that he was speaking, softly, under his breath, the same word over and over again, like a mantra.

„Monster, monster, monster…“


	2. so we crumble

When Roman woke up, he felt even more tired than when he had gone to bed. Getting dressed took what felt like hours, and the hallway seemed never-ending. He walked down the stairs, and he had almost forgotten Virgil wouldn’t be down there with huge eye bags under his eyes and begging them not to speak to him until he had his coffee. Almost.

Every day, Roman tried to ignore the fact that Virgil didn’t come out of his room, but it had been almost a month, and it was getting hard to ignore. It was specially hard for him, because it was his fault.

He had created Galen, he had almost killed Virgil. After one month, he still couldn’t fully process that. _He almost killed Virgil._

Roman entered the kitchen, and immediately felt something was off. Logan was nowhere in sight, but, even weirder, Patton sat alone, looking down, with a glass of milk in front of him. Just milk. No cookies.

„Pat“, he called, then cleared his throat. „Uh-Why aren’t you making cookies?“

Patton looked up, and gave him a tired smile.

„Good morning to you too, kiddo.“

Roman smiled, hoping it didn’t look as fake as it felt, and started making coffee.

„Good morning“, he said. „So… cookies?“

„Didn’t feel like it.“

Roman frowned. Patton didn’t feel like making cookies? Something was really wrong.

„Where’s Logan?“

„With Thomas“, he replied, taking a sip of milk before elaborating. „He woke up to an anxiety attack. Again. He’s helping him calm down.“

Roman tried not to show how much that information stung. _Your fault._

„And you’re not making cookies?“

„I think we’ve been through that already“, Patton chuckled, but it sounded forced.

„Pat, if Thomas had an anxiety attack that means Virgil too- probably worse. He’ll need those cookies.“

„He won’t even open the door."

Roman sighed. He knew that.

„That’s not the point.“

„And what _is_ the point?“

Roman sat in front of him, cup of coffee ready, as he replied.

„The point is he’ll come out someday and he won’t have cookies. Maybe in a week, but maybe today. And we can’t let that happen now, can we? He’ll think we don’t care about him.“

„But we do!“, Patton exclaimed, suddenly full of energy, as if that was the worst thing someone could think of him.

Roman smiled, sweetly.

„Exactly. So let’s prove it.“

„Okay!“

Just like that, Patton was on his feet, gathering up ingredients. Roman took a sip of his coffee and got up, ready to help.

„After, we can go for a walk in the imagination, if you want“, Roman said, trying to prevent the sensitive side from feeling down again after finishing the distracting task.

Patton’s eyes brightened.

„Can we go see the treehouse?“

Roman nodded.

„We can go see whatever you want.“

„Cool! Thanks, Ro.“

„It’s the least I can do.“ _The reason you feel down is my fault, after all._

Patton insisted they make different shapes and flavours, so it took them longer than Roman expected (not that it bothered him, he didn’t have anything better to do) but time passed quickly and before they both knew it, they were walking towards the anxious side’s bedroom door, with a tray of homemade cookies that smelled as delicious as they tasted (they tried them themselves).

As they reached the door, they both looked down, and Roman felt Patton’s mood shift. There, on the floor, laid yesterday’s cookies. Nevertheless, after he knocked twice, his voice sounded as cheerful as ever.

„Kiddo! Roman and I made cookies!“

There was no response.

„Some of them are shaped like bats. We thought you’d like it!“

Silence. Patton looked at Roman, with sad eyes. Roman put a hand on his shoulder to comfort him, and Patton sighed.

He left the new tray near the door, and picked up the old one.

„We’ll leave it here for you.“

Though they expected no reply, they stood there for a minute, hoping- longing for the door to move. For that to be _the day_. It wasn’t.

On their way to the imagination, Patton walked slowly, too caught up in thoughts about Virgil to be excited. But once they stepped on red grass, his face lit up, and Roman couldn’t help but smile. Something warm filled up his chest, and he found this trip was more about himself than about the other side. It was about proving himself he could do this too- he could make them happy. He had almost forgotten, that before he had screwed everything up, he loved being himself, because of this- because of Patton’s huge and bright eyes as he looked around, as they reached the forest.

The forest was one of his best creations; every tree was a different colour, birds chirped and flew around, and a squirrel climbed Patton’s legs and laid on his shoulder. Patton let out a giggle, before gasping as the animal jumped and flew like one of the birds above them.

„That’s so cool, Roman!“, he praised.

They kept walking, and they met a huge purple lion and a white bear before reaching the treehouse.

The treehouse _had_ to be Patton’s favourite spot. The entrance was in the trunk of the huge tree that had been chosen, and inside it had spiral steps that led to a majestic yet simple treehouse. It had everything one could ask for; a smart TV, a small kitchen and a big bedroom. Just on top of the bed, the ceiling was transparent so, at night, the bright stars could be seen from it. It also had a balcony, directed towards the rest of the imagination, and where you could almost see the limits of Roman’s side.

Patton stepped inside, looking as fascinated as the first time Roman had showed it to him, and once they got to the top and entered the little house, Patton almost sprinted towards the balcony, excitedly.

„Want anything to eat, Pat? I’ve got cake.“

„Cake?“, he asked, stopping in his tracks. „What flavour?“

„Well, I’ve got cloud, rainbow and uh… daydream. But I can make them taste however you-„

„Daydream!“, he yelled, and then added. „Thanks, kiddo."

„Sure thing, pops“, he opened the freezer, then turned towards Patton who stood there waiting. „Go ahead, I know you want to go see it. I’ll take it to you.“

„But…“

„No buts, go!“

„O-Okay. Thanks, kiddo!“

Then, he jumped towards the balcony, looking more like a kid, than a dad.

Roman started serving the daydream cake in a plate, and was looking for a spoon, when he heard Patton’s distressed voice.

„Roman!“

Roman sprinted towards the balcony.

„What? What’s wrong?“

Patton pointed forward, but he didn’t need to. It was clear what was wrong, and Roman felt a knot in his insides. Where there once had been a huge glade, where Roman had kept all the fantastic animals, there was now something dark, covered in clouds. The limits to Roman’s side, that once reached beyond the Jurassic Park theme park, was now _there_ \- right there.

Everything Roman had created- the beach, the mountains- they were gone. Instead; a river of blood, a desert that was, apparently, an active war zone…

„That asshole…“, Roman muttered, before turning around.

„Is it your brother?“, Patton asked, following behind him.

„Who else?“, he replied, as they started walking down the stairs.

„What do we do?“

„I have to win some land back“, he explained, as he cracked his knuckles, as if getting ready. „If not he’ll think he won.“

„So this is just sibling rivalry? A little bit excessive, don’t you think?“

„Have you _met_ my brother?“

„Touché“

As they reached the ground, Roman asked Patton to step back. In the other side, there was still a forest, but dark and spooky, with fog and, what looked like a bunch of mirrors laying around. _He’s so weird._

Roman held his breath, closed his eyes, and opened them. They looked bright red.

He held up his hands, and focused. Slowly, the dark, rotten grass started turning red like it had been before, but as the changing reached a huge tree, Roman found himself grunting, having to make a huge effort to keep moving the limit.

He took another step forward, trying to maintain his balance. His whole body was tense.

„Roman.“

It sounded far away, like a ghost trying to reach the living, who could maybe hear a whisper but not make out what they said.

„Roman, stop!“

But the tree was changing, and he was almost there. Almost there. Almost-

„Stop!“

A hand on his shoulder pushed him back, and all hell broke loose. The limit expanded forward, like an explosion and, like it was a physical barrier for him, it sent Roman flying, until he fell to the ground, the grass barely softening the fall.

He groaned, and breathed raggedly, before Patton ran towards him and helped him stand. Once he did, and looked up, his chest tightened.

There was fungi covering up the trunk of his tree, and part of the house he had created laid on the floor. The rest of it was still there, on top of the now rotten tree, but falling to pieces. Roman took a step back, still clinging to Patton, then mumbled.

„Jesuschrist, Remus…“


	3. the door

Virgil stared at the door.

Someone had knocked, but that wasn’t a strange occurrence. Since it was permanently closed, hearing a knock coming from it was normal. It happened a lot. Every day? Virgil wasn’t sure. Time passed differently, isolated in his room. It felt like it had stopped and was going too fast simultaneously.

But usually, after the knocking, there came a voice, that Virgil forced himself to ignore and never really listened to. The voice was never heard, just knocking. More knocking.

He stared, waiting for it to sound again. It did.

He rubbed his hands in his lap, as they were getting sweaty. He was actually thinking about it. He was thinking about opening the door.

He shook his head. No, he couldn’t do that. He couldn’t face them, not after what they saw. His dark eyes, his harsh words.

They _knew_ now _._ They knew who he was- _what_ he was. They’d seen the monster.

And when he remembered their faces, of pure terror and shock as he looked at them with empty eyes, he wished he would’ve done nothing. He wished Galen had choked him to death, and it was him they hated.

Thomas needed him, though, that’s why he’d done it. Right?

It wasn’t selfish, it wasn’t about his survival, it was about Thomas. Right?

He wasn’t cruel or heartless, it was his heart that made him do it. Right?

He wasn’t sure, but it didn’t really matter. Even if he hadn’t done what he’d done to Galen, he still remembered how they’d reacted when they found out about Thomas…

He shivered.

He didn’t think he could take it- one more look of disgust or disappointment, one more hateful glare. He deserved it- he knew that-, but he couldn’t take it. He was a coward. But their faces haunted him still and he couldn’t…

Their faces. God, he missed them so much. They shared the same one, that was true, but at the same time it wasn’t. Even with the same factions, every one of them changed it and moved it and just looked different. Like you could see their souls through them.

He missed Logan’s calm expression as he explained something the others didn’t understand. He missed Patton’s bright eyes as someone named something he loved (which were a lot of things). And he missed Roman’s…

He missed Roman.

 _Shit_ , he thought, suddenly nervous. _What if it was Roman?_

Just like that, all his fears went to the back of his mind, and he held on to that idea- that it was Roman who was waiting for him to open- like his life depended on it.

 _I can always close again_ , he reasoned. _I can open and then close quickly, but just one look. I just need to see him one more time_.

And before he really thought it through, he was in front of the door, with his hand on the door handle.

Then, the door was open.


	4. the empty room

„Something’s wrong“, they told Logan, and watched him nod as if he agreed.

He was sat on the living room, a cup of coffee laid on the table in front if him, next to a book that was open but he didn’t seem much interested in.

Logan, although never explicitly stating it, or even letting it show, was always noticeable down after helping Thomas with an anxiety attack, specially after the whole Galen incident. When that type of thing used to happen before, he ran to Virgil’s room to help _him_ calm down. It had been a month since he couldn’t do that, and it had definitely affected him.

„I know“, he simply responded.

„No, you don’t understand, Logan!“, Patton exclaimed, looking in the brink of a nervous breakdown. „We were on the Imagination and Remus has completely taken over! Roman had a whole kingdom and now he only has this little, tiny part of a forest…“

„No need to rub it in, dad“, Roman mumbled, then turned to Logan. „But it’s true. And I tried to win some land back but… it’s my brother. He’s too strong now.“

„It’s Virgil.“

„What?“

Logan looked up at them, with tired eyes.

„It’s Virgil, who’s doing this.“

Roman frowned, and saw the same confusion mirrored in Patton’s face, before opening his mouth to speak.

„Doing what, exactly?“

Logan’s eyes diverted, avoiding the two other sides.

„Thomas isn’t okay“

„Are any of us?“, Roman and Logan both turned to look at Patton, who’s face turned red as he shrugged.

„Well, then, that’s enough of that“, Roman said, suddenly sounding confident, as he marched away. Logan and Patton spent a brief second making eye contact, before standing up and following the other’s steps towards the stairs.

„What’s happening?“

„We’re going to get that door open“, Roman stated. „I’m going to fix things.“

He said the last part in a thin voice, as if it wasn’t intended for anyone else to hear. Logan and Patton heard it, anyway.

When they reached the door, Roman’s confident facade seemed to fade away, as he stared at the door, not moving a muscle, as if paralysed.

The thought of seeing Virgil again was exciting, and evenly terrifying. He did say he forgave him, back when _that_ happened, but he couldn’t imagine a reunion scene in which Virgil wasn’t crying, screaming at him, with venom and hate bathing his every word.

„Ro?“

Roman snapped out of it at Patton’s voice, and almost immediately, his hand was knocking, loudly, on the wooden door. Seconds, which felt like years, passed, and no reply. He knocked again. Then again. Then, once more.

„Okay, that’s enough!“, Logan suddenly said, startling the other two, as if he had ran out of patience, carefully but firmly moving Roman out of the way.

„Wow, wow, wow!“, Patton all but screamed, moving between Logan and the closed door. „What about giving the kid space?“

„He’s had enough space, Pat, he needs us“, Logan replied.

„If he needs us, he’ll come looking for us“

„Like he did when Galen convinced him to kill himself?“

Patton flinched, as if he could see right in front of him the shape of Virgil on his knees, on the floor, with a gun pointed to the side of his face, just like when they had found him. Logan put a hand on his shoulder, and only then did Patton notice he was shaking.

„Pat, I’m sorry, I-„

He didn’t finish the sentence- he couldn’t- when something else caught their attention.

Roman, who had some sort of epiphany, had moved, while the other two were arguing, towards the door, and had simply turned the handle.

The door was open.

And, even more unnerving than the fact that it was possible the door had been open this whole time, was the fact that inside the room, was absolutely nothing.

His posters, his bed, his desk, everything was gone. As if no one had ever stepped foot in the room.

And Virgil was nowhere to be found.


	5. there comes the darkness

Virgil was paralysed for a moment, that felt eternal.

„Long time, no see“

A few seconds passed, before he made himself react and push the door close, but his unexpected visitor’s foot was already in the way. Virgil tried to control his breathing and his shaking bones as he spoke.

„What are you doing here?“

His voice trembled, and he cursed under his breath, for sounding so scared. So small.

„You’re asking all the wrong questions, son“. _Don’t call me that_ , Virgil wanted to say. „You should be wondering what _you’re_ doing here“

And then, without seemingly making an effort, the visitor pushed the door, making Virgil stumble backwards and leaving him exposed in the middle of his room, where he stood, afraid of moving a muscle, as his safe space was invaded.

„I love what you’ve done with the place“

Virgil’s eyes stayed locked on the floor, not daring to look up.

„Deceit“, he said once he found the courage to do so. „What do you want?“

Virgil, still not looking at him, noticed his snake-like eyes staring at him, burning with a fiery force that made a shiver run down his spine.

„Is that how it’s gonna be? Should I just call you Anxiety?“

„I don’t give a shit what you call me“

Though his words were fierce, his voice was as little as his figure was now.

Janus laughed, loudly, and Virgil flinched.

„I forgot why I liked you so much“, Virgil felt like puking. „You know, you should be thankful. I’m the only one who’s had the decency to welcome you back“

Virgil looked up at that, his heart beating fast.

„Back? Back wh-?“

It was then when he noticed. With bigger things in his mind, he passed by Janus, who wore a knowing smile in his serpent face, and walked to the door.

The hallway, was engulfed by a darkness, not thick enough to not let see the other doors, just enough to create an obscure atmosphere, one Virgil was used to. His eyes watered, pure fear burning behind them.

„It can’t be“

„Oh, but it is“, he heard Janus’ cheerful voice, way too close to his ear for his liking. „You’re back home.“

Virgil couldn’t breathe, felt he was choking, and walked backwards, getting away from the darkness, as if it was chasing him. He felt like it was. His hands shook, his breath hitched, his head hurt.

„This is a nightmare“

Janus smirked.

„I bet you wish it was“, and as Virgil sat on his bed, not trusting his legs to hold him, Janus started walking around the room, as if taking in every poster, every little detail. „You know, you should really work on your manners. You’ll end up pushing people away.“

He then turned to look at Virgil, who, though still trying to process his situation, shot daggers through his eyes.

„See? That’s what I mean! I bet you looked at _them_ that way, that’s why they haven’t even bothered to check on you“

Virgil frowned.

„That’s bullshit“, he said. He _wished_.

„Language!“, Janus screamed- _really_ screamed, and Virgil made himself smaller, wanting nothing more than to curl up and die. The deceitful side walked towards him, torturously slow. „Listen, I’m trying to be nice, okay, Virge?“

 _Virge_. That’s what _they_ called him.

„You’re a dark side again, which means you’re one of us, and I protect my people“

Virgil wanted to cry. Now that it had been verbalised, he couldn’t hide from it.

„And you’ve been with those soft idiots for too long, so maybe you’ve forgotten how it goes here“, he stopped right in front of Virgil, who looked straight ahead, not daring to make eye contact. „Here, people who have no manners, get treated with no respect. Do you understand?“

Virgil blinked, then nodded.

Janus’ brought his hand to the other’s chin, lifting it up and making him look into his yellow eyes. He felt satisfaction warm up his chest, as a fugitive tear escaped from the anxious side’s wide eyes.

„Use your fucking words.“

Virgil swallowed.

„ **I understand.** “

Janus drew a sweet fake smile over his lips. Then, he patted the kid’s face twice, a reassuring gesture that was made with too much force.

„Good boy“

And right before the lying side left the room for good, he turned once again, satisfied to see what a mess was left of Virgil after their encounter. He spoke again.

„Oh, and you’re welcome.“

Virgil stared ahead, feeling numb.

„ **Thank you** “, he replied.

„I’ll see you around, son“


	6. in the midst of the forest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> listen, i was kinda scared of putting this out because it may be to dark, specially touching thomas' actual life... but hey, this is a fanfic and if you're still reading, let's face it, you like dark stuff. you like to cry and feel pain on your chest and it's okay cause you're just like me.
> 
> anyway, here's what i came up with.
> 
> ALSO, LOTS OF HOMOPHOBIA !!! pls be careful i love all of u

Virgil was bleeding, but that wouldn’t stop him.

The dreadful void that consumed him from the inside, when he was left alone in his room after his last encounter, hadn’t stopped him. Discovering the limit was further away than it was supposed to, hadn’t stopped him. The war going on in the desert of Thomas’ imagination, had been able to injure him, but not stop him.

He couldn’t even stop himself; no matter how much he told himself to go back, isolate in his room like always, and leave Roman alone, his legs kept moving.

Virgil never asked for help -he never felt like he deserved it. But that didn’t matter now, he was too fucked up to worry about being selfish. This was about life or death -his life, to be precise.

He entered a dark foggy forest, and felt as he was walking down a street he knew, after the apocalypse. He knew the trees and animals, he had seen them full of light before whatever happened there, happened, and left them full of darkness.

Between the fog, Virgil saw his reflection, that looked like a Caravaggio painting with his typical obscure atmosphere. Why there were mirrors laying in the midst of the forest, he didn’t know.

“Dear old friend”, a voice echoed through the trees, as Virgil twisted and turned trying to find its owner, though he already knew his name. “I’d say I was glad you came to see me, but we both know the real reason you’re here”

“Shit”, Virgil mumbled under his breath, before spotting red grass in the distance, and making a run for it.

He didn’t know how or when _he_ appeared, but he found himself face down on the floor, after colliding with the dark side’s figure.

“You’re here for my brother, aren’t you?”, the figure spat, with the disgust and anger a jealous boyfriend would show after uncovering his unfaithful partner. “You weren’t even gonna say hi?”

Virgil stumbled back, and sat on fallen leaves and dirt, as he looked up at Remus.

“Hi”

“Hey!”, he exclaimed. “How did the welcome back committee treat you?”

Virgil frowned, uncomfortable by the casual tone and the familiarity of the conversation. There was a time Virgil trusted Remus, but time proved that to be a huge mistake. Years back, he probably would’ve been honest. He wasn’t that dumb now.

“Great”, Virgil lied through gritted teeth, getting up. “It’s good to be back”

“Yet, you’re so eager to leave already”

Virgil’s eyes rose to meet Remus’, at the unapologetically sarcastic tone, and knew the fake politeness facade was over. Although glad he didn’t have to act now, he hated how the other was controlling the conversation, and hated even more knowing he had to play his game, if he didn’t want to end up almost bleeding to death in that stupid forest.

Remus was fucking crazy.

“What did you do to Roman?”, he dared ask. Bringing up his brother was a one way ticket to Remus’ black list, but he had already talked about him, and he was sure his name already took spots from one to twenty in that list.

Remus placed a hand on his chest, seemingly offended.

“Me? Doing something to my dear brother? Never!”, he exaggeratedly exclaimed. “Oh, no. It was _you_ who did this”

“I didn’t do anything”, Virgil said, hoping it was the truth.

“Don’t be humble, old friend! It’s thanks to you this place even exists in the first place”

Virgil frowned, and looked around.

“How is this thanks to me?”

“Well, thanks to you and another old friend of mine”, Remus looked at him, his eyes sharp. “You know _her_ ”

Virgil’s eyes widened, and his chest tightened with panic. He had to get out of there. Fast.

“L-Look, Remus, it’s been really nice seeing you again, but I need to go”

Shaking, he walked pass the other side, and tried to make his way out as quick as possible, but before he could, two of the trees on his way grew. Not like normal trees do, upwards, but to their sides, creating a wall that forced him to turn around. When he did, he met Remus’ shiny green eyes.

“What’s got you so anxious, Virgil?”, he joked. “Afraid of what we might remember?”

Virgil blinked, eyes wide, fear consuming him. Then, he ran.

It might’ve been his imagination, but the feeling of the other side chasing him made him desperate, and paranoid enough to turn around and check. Remus was nowhere to be found; instead, he met his reflection, that looked equally terrified as he felt, but who’s eyes, instead of being Virgil’s natural brown, were pitch black.

It happened fast.

He felt like he was turning, spinning, and suddenly he wasn’t in a forest.

They were all looking at him, harsh, receptive eyes, as he stood on a stage. It wasn’t just a stage, it was his old school’s theatre, and those eyes belonged to his classmates. He recognised it, because it had been home of a lot of his worst times in high school, but mostly, because a young teenage Thomas was there, in front of him, his hands fidgeting.

“Okay, we’ll start with Thomas and Zac, then”, a thundering voice said, and Virgil flinched. It sounded like it came from his mind, echo-y, as if it was a film and the image and the sound weren’t synchronised. “We’ll need a situation.”

“At a night club!”, someone yelled, and it resonated inside Virgil’s mind.

A bunch of kids laughed, like it was an inside joke.

“Great, a nightclub it is! Also, a motivation for the characters, what do they want?”

“To get laid?”

More people laughed. Even the teacher did.

“Okay, that’s good”, he mumbled. “Thomas, Zac! You guys got it?”

Virgil looked at them. Zac, with his blond curls and icy-blue eyes, nodded and smiled, full of energy. Thomas swallowed.

The teacher yelled action, and so the scene started. Everyone stared, because Zac had taken an interesting approach. The kid who proposed the characters wanting to get laid, probably imagined them as best friends trying to catch a girl at a night club. Instead, Zac was openly, and very smoothly, trying to flirt with Thomas. And Thomas shook and sweated, and looked seriously ill, like he might pass out.

Virgil felt himself speak, although his voice was higher, and he wasn’t choosing the words he got to make.

“ **Do something** ”, he said, desperately, as Zac approached Thomas. “ **Do something right now, Thomas! Look at how everyone’s looking at you! They’re gonna think you’re gay. If you don’t do something, there’s no way you’re going home without a broken bone** ”

Little Thomas, after replying to whatever Zac had said, turned to look at him, terror written in his eyes.

“ **Thomas, fucking do something!** ”

Then, Thomas did something.

There were screams of shock and horror, as Zac stumbled to the ground holding his cut open lip, that bled all over his Beatles t-shirt. The teacher started screaming at Thomas, but he wasn’t listening. He was looking at his hands, trying to hold back the tears, before his eyes met Virgil’s.

Virgil stumbled back, almost as if the hatred Thomas had directed towards him had hit him in the chest, and suddenly found himself back in the forest.

He gasped, trying to catch his breath, feeling as if he just spent an infinity under water. He cried, and covered his ears, still hearing the echoes of the memory.

“You know, Roman really liked Zac”, Remus’ voice sounded near him, and Virgil flinched, trying to get away, like a stray cat would. “I bet if Zac had kissed him, he would’ve kissed back”

“H-how did you-?”

“Oh, I know a lot of things now”

Remus hadn’t even finished speaking, when Virgil felt a new pull, that spin him around and made him dizzy.

“D-Dad?”, he heard, even before he knew where he was, and immediately closed his eyes.

 _No. No, no, no. I don’t want to remember!,_ he wanted to scream, plead, pray, but nothing came out of his mouth.

“Are you mad?”

Virgil’s eyes opened wide.

He was at his old house, standing besides a young Thomas, eleven or so, who looked up with bright eyes at his dad.

“ **You shouldn’t’ve told him** ”, Virgil felt himself saying, right before;

“Theatre?!”, Virgil’s heart skipped a beat, as the tall figure turned around, and he saw Thomas’ father face once again, and heard his harsh voice filled with anger. “You joined the theatre club and you ask if I’m mad?!”

Virgil saw young Thomas’ lip tremble, and wanted nothing more than to hug him. _God, he missed Thomas._

“Did I do something wrong?”

“ **Of course you did, you shouldn’t’ve told him**!”

“Did y-?”, his father stood up, passed a hand through his hair, and then suddenly turned to look at Thomas with an accusatory look. “You’re not a _fag_ , are you? Please tell me my son’s not a fucking _fairy_!”

“Ah, wh-?”

Young Thomas was suddenly paralysed, his hand over his cheek, his eyes watering, and silence took control of the room. Virgil blinked.

“ **I told you so** ”

“Are you a _fag_ , son?”

“ **Say you’re not!** ”

“Look at me! Are you a fucking _fag_?!”

“ **Say no!** ”

“No! No, I’m not!”

Young Thomas cried, sobbed, not really understanding what was going on. Virgil did.

“Good”, his father said, suddenly calm, almost cheerful. Young Thomas had never felt so confused. “It’ll be soccer then, okay? You can tell your drama friends that you’re fucking off for a while. Do you understand?”

Thomas nodded.

“ **Say you understand** ”

“I understand”

“Good boy. And not a fucking word of this to your mother”

Virgil winced, as the world around him changed, at a supersonic speed, as if that phrase had triggered many more memories.

First, his brother Patrick’s split lip when she was thirteen when his father found out he smoked.

“You better shut your mouth, Tommy”

Then, his brother Shea’s broken toy. Thomas had seen his father smash it against the wall, inches away from him.

“And _you,_ keep quiet!”

Next, his father with a woman. A woman who wasn’t his mother.

“If you say anything, I will fucking kill you, you understand?”

And as the world turned into a new scenario, Virgil hiccuped, held his head, and begged for someone or something to fucking kill him, before he remembered too much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if i'm being honest with you i had the first book perfectly planned i'm kinda just rolling with this one but it'll all make sense in the end i swear

**Author's Note:**

> thoughts?


End file.
